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Balboa Bags a Rhino on 'Survivor'

By Daniel Fienberg

Thursday, November 13, 2003

10:05 PM PT

The sun rises on Day 22 for our favorite castaways as Thursday (Nov. 13) night's "Survivor: Pearl Islands" begins. The harsh light of day brings clarity for the men and women of Tribe Ivan Drago, er, Balboa.

Regrets, Scoutmaster Lill's had a few, but then again, too few to mention. She turned her back on her former tribemates and stabbed Andrew Savage in the back, but rationalizes that they'd have done the same for her.

Rupert calls Lill a lion and promises that of all the Morgans, he'll eat her last.

Ryan O (or Ryno, or Rhyno or Rhino) is feeling some breathing down his neck. Yon Rhino has a lean, hungry look. He promises Burton he can deliver the necessary votes to put an end to Rupert's food providing tyranny.

Rhino is one of the few members of Balboa with that lean, hungry look. Usually by this point in the game, we're baffled at how terrifyingly thin everybody appears. Thanks to Rupert, though, the former members of Drake have been well fed.

Attempting to prove his worth, Burton goes out and spears a wriggly ray. Now, the promos for this week's episode made it seem like this was another of those "When Good Appetizers Go Bad" episodes where somebody has a not-so-near-death experience simulated by careful editing. Instead, Burton is poking the ray, gets a little zap, and decides to do one of those "Ewwww... this is gross... Come try it" things with Rupert. They get a buzz and giggle.

Ultimately, everybody is so impressed with the ray's powers of self-defense that they grill it.

"Shockingly good," Rupert grins. "A high voltage meal."

"I hope that all of the former Morgans, now Balboas, feel comfortable to eat as much as they want," Rupert continues, flipping to the next chapter in "To Serve Man."

Dudes, it's a cookbook.

The Reward Challenge is a variation on the old favorite where they fire slingshots at plates. It comes down to Lill, Rhino and Rupert. While Lill takes the lead, Rupert overcomes the deficit and wins. Host Jeff Probst offers him the choice of a solitary breakfast for one, or the chance to give the breakfast to somebody else who can take any guest besides Rupert. Rupert passes the breakfast along to Burton (who gave him immunity last week), who chooses Lill as his guest.

The next morning as he readies himself for the breakfast that Rupert gave him, Burton approaches Jon and plots to eliminate the big guy next. Jon, naturally, loves this turn of events. We don't like Jon, but credit must be given where credit is due: In describing his new alliance with the man he plotted to vote out days earlier, Jon correctly uses the word "irony." Kudos to him.

Breakfast buddies Lill and Burton head out to a bare island furnished with a lavish buffet.

They toast Rupert with the bacon he allowed them to have. Then they start gleefully planning the demise of their benefactor. Because Burton was allegedly a scout, Lill trusts him. When she asks what he'll tell people happened over breakfast, Burton promises he'll say Lill bored him to death with stories about scouting.

"Don't make me out as a bitch," Lill says. "Just make me out as some dumb broad."

Who are we to question her value system?

Back in camp, the former members of Drake are amazed with the laziness of their Morgan compatriots, who seem to prefer lounging about to doing chores. Rupert says that he'd like to throw a mess of freshly caught fish at Tijuana and Darrah and tell them to fend for themselves.

That sounds like a great idea, because it might force Mississippi Mortician Darrah to say something. In the long and storied history of this game has there ever been a competitor who survived so long, but received so little camera time? Is Darrah a stupid girl? Well, her bio says that her proudest moment was passing her National Board of Funeral Service exam and since we all recall that Nate on "Six Feet Under" failed a similar test in his first shot, she's got to have some brains.

The problem is that she talks like one of the poor extras from "To Kill a Mockingbird" (she sounds like she'd be very sad to have to burn down Boo Radley's house). Isn't that the kind of thing that Mark Burnett and his crack team of casting directors should have noticed earlier?

The Immunity Challenge requires knowledge of basic historical and cultural knowledge about Panama and pirating. The game comes down to the inevitable Rupert and Christa. The blond computer programmer manages to blow a question about "pieces of eight" even though Jeff defined the term minutes earlier. Rupert captures immunity and thus, as Bobby Burns wrote, the best laid plans o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley.

The schemers must scramble to find alternate plans, but as they head off to Tribal Council, it's unclear who is about to be sent home.

In Tribal Council, attempting to get to the root of Morgan laziness, Jeff makes Darrah speak. We all remember again why the camera avoids her whenever she opens her mouth. She says something about Atticus, Jem and Calpurnia, or else she defends her own sloth. It hardly matters.

The vote is a rout. "Ryno" gets five votes. "Rhyno" gets one vote. "Ryan" gets two more votes and Ryan Opray becomes the first member of the jury.

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